Are you trying to ratchet up your procrastination levels? In this post, we look at 10 methods to effectively avoid writing anything.
Honestly, it’s a miracle that this even exists with all the things I could be doing to not write anything.
Or is it? Not writing is harder than you think! Sometimes it just sneaks up on you can you can‘t get out of the way. So, let’s get this done so I can go back to productively not writing a single word!
10 Methods To Effectively Avoid Writing
Tips & Tricks For The Average Joe
1. Get A Cat
Maybe even several cats. Having a cute, fluffy creature sleep on your computer has never been more helpful than when you need to avoid writing.
In addition to this, you will need to spend time feeding and grooming your pet. You will also have to detach them from high places they continuously insist on climbing.
Bonus: This method comes with a free lap warmer.
2. Get Some Children
Make them yourself or borrow them from a friend. It doesn’t matter how you get them. Both methods will keep you away from your writing desk.
Note, I have not included stealing children as an option. This can lead to jail time, and with all the free time on your hands you might be tempted to write.
The more you have the better. Each one will not only occupy time, but also stress you out to the point where you literally can’t get anything done.
3. Buy A Tesla
It could be any power car, but very real and not made up science tells us, from my personal observations, that people who buy Teslas are too busy working off their debts and sharing videos about space stations to spend time writing.
4. Get Involved In An Extreme Sport
Many athletes write books and articles. That’s why it has to be an extreme sport. People who spend their time hanging off cliffs or base-jumping into volcanoes are very unlikely to have the time, energy, or ‘vitality’, in a literal sense, for writing.
Sure-fire Ways to Avoid Writing
The following methods are for non-hobbyists and maybe too extreme for the faint of heart.
5. Don’t Go To School
You can’t write if you don’t know how.
Now, you could also just spend your time on Instagram and Pinterest at school. Either way, you should get the same result with some dedication.
6. Smash Your Keyboard And Break Your Pens
This will take your non-writing productivity to the next level.
Unfortunately, new devices such as smartphones don’t have physical keyboards. And you’ll still need your phone for taking pictures of cats and other daily essentials.
Note: There was an Ancient cult in Egypt that worshipped a god that forbid all forms of writing and all writing implements. Sadly, we know this because the cultists of the god of knowledge, Thoth, wrote this down.
7. Get A Job Working Construction In A Foreign Country
I recommend a country where people sign documents with stamps so you won’t be tempted by the evil ways of pens.
8. Become A Congress Person Or Member Of Parliament
‘But, don’t congress people have to make laws for a living and isn’t that writing?’ you ask.
Don’t be silly! That was ages ago. Nowadays they are merely there to talk at functions, shout at CNN anchors, and ‘fill a buster’ whatever that means.
Today they have hapless lackeys to do the actual writing for them, and probably also the reading. All you need to do is know which colour tie to wear.
9. Buy A Standing Desk
This one might also seem counterintuitive. Don’t standing desks lead to more productivity?
Silly you! They do in people who can stand for more than 10 minutes at a time. But if we’re being honest, after using the standing desk for an hour, we’ll be spending the rest of the day ‘recovering’ on the couch, Doritos at the ready.
10. Become A Writer
Don’t let the name fool you. Writers get very little writing done.
This is due to something they invented called ‘Writer’s Block‘ which apparently prevents only writers from writing.
It’s strange how this has never caught on in other industries. That is probably because a builder’s blocks and a butcher’s block just make their jobs more efficient.
I hope this helps you avoid the dreaded task of writing. At the very least, reading this stopped you writing for a while. You’re welcome.
If you do want to write, create a writing habit with our free online course Hooked On Writing
Written under sufferance by Christopher Luke Dean
Christopher writes and facilitates for Writers Write. Follow him on Twitter: @ChrisLukeDean
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