Why Writing A Memoir Is All About The ‘How’
Discover why writing a memoir is all about the ‘how’, not just what happened, and learn how to turn your life experiences into a compelling story.
Why Writing A Memoir Is All About The ‘How’
Because a memoir is based on true events that happened in the past, your readers often know that you survived long enough to write the book. They may even know how the story ends. So, if readers already know what happened, what keeps them turning the pages?
The answer is the how. The ‘what’ gives us the facts of your life. The ‘how’ gives us the story.
It shows us what you thought, felt, feared, wanted and believed at the time. It shows us how one event led to another, how you responded to difficult situations, and how those experiences changed you.
Why The ‘How’ Matters In A Memoir
When you write a memoir, you still need to answer the basic questions: who, what, where, when. and why.
But you also need to ask:
- How did this happen?
- How did it affect me?
- How did I respond?
- How did I change?
Those questions take you beneath the surface of the events. They help you recreate the experience for your reader rather than simply reporting what happened.
This means you need to do a lot of showing along with the telling.
Writing about the ‘how’ means you need to:
1. Show Yourself As A Real Person
Your memoir is about your life, but that does not mean you need to present yourself as the hero of every scene.
Show your mistakes, fears, contradictions, and poor decisions. Take readers into the moments when you had to make choices. What did you want? What were you thinking? What did you fail to understand?
These details make you believable and human. The reader can empathise with you.
2. Find The Theme
A memoir is not simply a collection of everything that happened to you. Look for the thread that connects your experiences.
Your theme might be forgiveness, loss, ambition, family, identity, belonging, or starting again.
Once you find it, use it to decide which experiences belong in the story. The theme gives your memoir focus and meaning.
3. Build A Timeline
Memory does not always arrive in chronological order. One memory can lead to another, and important events can become blurred over time.
Create a timeline of the events you want to include. Note when and where they happened, who was involved, and what came before and after.
Then look for the connections between events. This will help you shape your memoir into a coherent story.
4. Use Your Setting
Places carry memories and emotions. A childhood home, hospital room, school playground, or family kitchen can become an important part of your story.
Choose specific details that bring each setting to life. What did you see, hear, or notice? What made that place memorable?
Use setting to ground the reader in your world and deepen the scene.
5. Check The Facts
Memory is selective. Research can help you fill in the gaps.
Use photographs, letters, diaries, newspaper reports, and other records to check dates, places, and events. Research what was happening around you at the time.
Facts give your personal story a solid foundation and can help you recover details you had forgotten.
6. Recreate The Experience
Don’t simply tell readers that something was frightening, painful, exciting, or beautiful. Recreate the experience.
Use the senses to bring important moments into focus. What could you hear? What did you see or smell? What physical sensations do you remember?
Choose the details that put readers inside the moment rather than listing everything you can recall.
7. Show What Changed
Your memoir doesn’t need a perfect ending. Real lives rarely have them.
Instead, show what your experiences left you with. What did you understand differently? What did you accept, lose, gain, or leave unresolved?
The change may be subtle, but it gives the story a sense of direction and shows readers why these memories matter.
The Last Word
A memoir is not just a collection of things that happened. It is your experience of those things — what you felt, thought, feared, wanted, and understood. Focus on the ‘how’, and you give readers more than your memories: you give them a story.
Top Tip: If you want to learn how to write a memoir, look into our Secrets of a Memoirist course.
by Amanda Patterson
© Amanda Patterson
If you enjoyed this post, read:
- 29 Ways To Write About Happiness
- 7 Really Good Reasons To Write A Memoir
- 32 Ways To Write About Fear
- Why You Need A Premise In Fiction
- 7 Ways To Create Suspense In Your Memoir
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1 thought on “Why Writing A Memoir Is All About The ‘How’”
You are helping me so much with getting organized for my first book. At first, I was confused about making characters “empathetic.” But now I understand what that means. “Showing” the readers how the character is the way he or she is. “Showing,” not telling. Thanks!
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